The Positives of Parenthood

It's come to attention (again) during my pregnancy how overwhelmingly negative people are about parenting.

- "Enjoy sleep now, you'll never sleep again!"
- "I was a complete crazy zombie the first 6 weeks after baby was born."
- "So and so had a 3rd degree tear!"
- "My nurses wouldn't let me have an extra pillow and I couldn't get comfortable at all!"
- "Baby cried, pooped on me, and continued to cry day after day after day."
- "My husband and I never get time alone anymore, much less have sex."
- "I can't remember the last time I took a shower alone."
- "Getting dressed is a big accomplishment for me now, and it been weeks since I've been out of yoga pants."
- "My kid always throws tantrums over EVERYTHING! I'm going to lose my mind."
- "Nothing helps. Nothing."
- "We never have money to do anything anymore. Everything we make goes to daycare and diapers!"
- Newborn insanity, terrible twos, know-it-all eights, drama twelves, I hate you fourteens, I don't need you sixteens...
- "My house is a disaster all.the.time. I never have time to clean, and when I do its destroyed in minutes anyway. What's the point?"

Do some of these sound familiar? Maybe you've even been guilty of saying them yourself. In recent conversation with a friend who is expecting her first child, she frustratingly stated, "Everybody talks about how awful having kids is, and I wonder 'why did I do this to myself?' Is nothing worth the bad days?"

It broke my heart to hear her so discouraged about the impending arrival of what should be the greatest joy and blessing of her life. Leaving that conversation, I've done a lot of reflecting on how I approach conversations with other parents and parents-to-be, and I'm trying my hardest to be honest AND encouraging at the same time. I can't let my bad days set them up to expect only bad days- especially, when that is far from the truth. Parenting is rewarding, parenting is worth it, parenting is FUN! So here are some of my "Positives of Parenthood" to hopefully encourage parents and parents to be.

1. While there will be many days where you're tired and frustrated they are far outnumbered by the amount of days your baby smiles, laughs, and hugs you just because they want to.

2. Caring for a small defenseless human being makes you a better, stronger, less self-concerned human being.

3. Having a child who mimics your every move and phrase challenges you in the most real way to make your actions and words authentic, real, and valuable.

4. When your child goes to the doctor every other month to check on their health and growth, it gives you needed encouragement that the dietary changes you made for your family are working. And those small unspoken high fives with yourself are huge when you debate ordering a pizza instead of baking up the chicken in the freezer.

5. You learn human life has more value, and you take extra precaution to protect those you can, even if you never met them- like not speeding and tailgating someone because you're running late to work.

6. Nothing, and I mean nothing, beats the first time your child walks up to you, grabs your face in between her small chubby hands, and (loudly) plants a kiss on your lips- just because she wanted to.

7. The desire to lay a strong spiritual foundation for your child in turn strengthens your own with simple Bible stories read nightly and a truly genuine goodnight prayer.

8. Bragging on your child's milestone achievement is totally nerdy and totally worth it. My kid rocks, just saying.

9. You feel younger in spirit and physique when you are crawling around playing with a baby.

10. Kids' toys today are way cooler now then they were when we were kids, and seeing your child's face light up as they discover something new with them is so so rewarding and worth the price tag.

11. Kids make you laugh. Really laugh. Their simple and innocent logic and action is beautiful.

12. You have experiences to look forward to- first family vacation, first trip to the zoo, first swim lesson, first day of school, first steps, first trip to DIsneyland, teaching them to drive, school plays, art work, dancing, puppet plays, shopping for prom dresses, etc. There is simply so much to live for.

13. You get to, in one of the most intimate ways, watch someone discover who they are, see their dreams, and their growth to reach them. How exciting is that?

My bottom line is no matter how scary, uncertain, or discouraging it may seem at times to have children, I promise, it is really worth it.

Embrace it.

My Little Olympian

Mali is in full spirit this week as the London Olympics have begun!!

Colorado Family Vacation

A lot of my family headed up to the beautiful state of Colorado last month. We hoped to get to enjoy some beautiful weather for hiking, sight-seeing, and some good 'ol cabin life together. Well, things didn't quite go the way we all hoped. First, this is the hottest summer Colorado has had in forever apparently and the weather was simply hot and miserable. Second, we were staying in Monitou Springs. That's right, right next to Colorado Springs... right where the Waldo Canyon Fire started the first afternoon of our week-long vacation. If you watched the news at all lately than I don't need to delve into how devastating that fire was for that area. We were part of a 2 AM emergency evacuation and were displaced for half the week. Even with all that "excitement" going on, we were determined to make the most of our rare time together. So here's the photo recap of the week!! (PS. Casey missed out on going with us, so he's not in any photos.)

She was fascinated by this fountain. Every time we passed it she would run over to it.

Girl cousins at the Denver Aquarium.

Checking out the fish. She wasn't fond of the ones bigger than her.

She was, however, a big fan of the sharks. She's her daddy's girl.

The Waldo Canyon Fire from our back deck.

Taking a hike to see the fire better.

Almost everyone who made it!

Olympic training facility in Colorado Springs.

My aspiring Olympian.

I love this. (Plus, that is my favorite Olympic sport in the background)

Trying out for the bob sled team?

This brought back memories.

Maybe someday Mali will hold a torch like that?

We wanted to mimmick the statues. I think we nailed it. :)

Isn't this the cutest ever? I love him.

Her first ride! She was a big fan!

Mali and Grammy.

Mali, Grammy, and Grandpa. Don't they look proud?

Four generations!!

Status: Rockstar!

Meeting a new friend on our way home!! 

Just Need to Write it Out...

Periodically I feel the need to write out some emotions I can't seem to come to terms with. Usually, this takes place in a paper and pen form because they are private matters of my heart I wish to remain private. However, this time, although this particular subject hits my heart deeper and harder than anything else in my life, I do not wish to hide it away.

We had a miscarriage.

Simply typing that one sentence brings a whole new wave of tears running down my face. I need to get this out.

Casey and I want another baby, desperately. The excitement, joy, and have-we-lost-our-minds feelings had just started to take root when we lost our baby. Our baby. A baby I will never hold in my arms, never soothe its tears, never see their smile or hear their laugh is gone. And it hurts.

We don't know why. We'll never know why. and I'm trying to embrace that as a small mercy. I don't have to fear pregnancy again. I'm not knowingly putting myself and a baby at risk in the future. Small mercies for a peace of mind, later. Later. Right now? My mind is chaos. And my heart. Why?

I hate the question "why?"

Even without an answer, we can't live in fear of it. I'll never know why we will never celebrate the birth and life of this baby, but this baby is very, very much my child. I have two children- Malachi and Squish. Casey and I don't want to hide what we are going through, nor do we want to hide a future pregnancy in fear it will happen again. We love our children and we will always claim each and every one of them. One day, we will hold this child in our arms and cry tears of joy- that is the comforting peace of God right there. One day, I will see all my children together in one place. One day.

This pain is just indescribable.

I feel as if the emotions of it all come in waves. I was out of town for work when I miscarried. Nobody I had traveled with even knew I was pregnant yet. I just wanted Casey. I wanted Malachi. I didn't want to be alone. I'm so thankful for a husband that dropped literally everything to come get me. I can't imagine what he was feeling on that long drive alone. But he came and we started the long, silent drive home together knowing in our hearts the truth, but hoping for a miracle. Lab results a couple days later confirmed my biggest fear.

This past week we were suppose to see our baby, hear its precious heart beating. Instead, I had a follow-up to make sure my body had recovered and was back to a normal non-pregnant state. Not what you want to be doing on the day you had joyfully written on the calendar "meet the baby!". That was a hard day. A really hard day.

This has been a rough weekend, as well. We have been packing and putting into storage Malachi's old baby things- bottles, bobby, newborn cloth diapers, clothes, etc. There isn't a new baby on the horizon to keep everything out for. Its been hard. Subtle reminders hurt the worst- little punches to knock you down just when you think you have both feet under you.

My baby is cuddled in that arms of Jesus right now. My baby is in the best place they can be, I should be envious, right? I want to hug Jesus! I wish that knowledge in my head would also calm my aching heart. Someday, but right now, it still hurts.

Small mercies. My body recovered without complication. We've been told as soon as we emotionally can handle another pregnancy, there is no medical reason to keep us from trying. Small mercies, thank you, Lord.

I miss my baby.  I mourn the life that won't be lived. Tears won't stop flowing when I think about her... or him. My angel baby- I love you so much. Someday I will kiss your cheeks and hold you close, someday.

My Little Builder

I may be completely bias but Mali has amazing hand and eye coordination. For a couple months now she has been stacking and building everything from her wooden blocks, cups, books, and now her actually building blocks. It just amazes me how quickly she learns and develops. I'm one proud mama!