My Little Olympian

Mali is in full spirit this week as the London Olympics have begun!!

Colorado Family Vacation

A lot of my family headed up to the beautiful state of Colorado last month. We hoped to get to enjoy some beautiful weather for hiking, sight-seeing, and some good 'ol cabin life together. Well, things didn't quite go the way we all hoped. First, this is the hottest summer Colorado has had in forever apparently and the weather was simply hot and miserable. Second, we were staying in Monitou Springs. That's right, right next to Colorado Springs... right where the Waldo Canyon Fire started the first afternoon of our week-long vacation. If you watched the news at all lately than I don't need to delve into how devastating that fire was for that area. We were part of a 2 AM emergency evacuation and were displaced for half the week. Even with all that "excitement" going on, we were determined to make the most of our rare time together. So here's the photo recap of the week!! (PS. Casey missed out on going with us, so he's not in any photos.)

She was fascinated by this fountain. Every time we passed it she would run over to it.

Girl cousins at the Denver Aquarium.

Checking out the fish. She wasn't fond of the ones bigger than her.

She was, however, a big fan of the sharks. She's her daddy's girl.

The Waldo Canyon Fire from our back deck.

Taking a hike to see the fire better.

Almost everyone who made it!

Olympic training facility in Colorado Springs.

My aspiring Olympian.

I love this. (Plus, that is my favorite Olympic sport in the background)

Trying out for the bob sled team?

This brought back memories.

Maybe someday Mali will hold a torch like that?

We wanted to mimmick the statues. I think we nailed it. :)

Isn't this the cutest ever? I love him.

Her first ride! She was a big fan!

Mali and Grammy.

Mali, Grammy, and Grandpa. Don't they look proud?

Four generations!!

Status: Rockstar!

Meeting a new friend on our way home!! 

Just Need to Write it Out...

Periodically I feel the need to write out some emotions I can't seem to come to terms with. Usually, this takes place in a paper and pen form because they are private matters of my heart I wish to remain private. However, this time, although this particular subject hits my heart deeper and harder than anything else in my life, I do not wish to hide it away.

We had a miscarriage.

Simply typing that one sentence brings a whole new wave of tears running down my face. I need to get this out.

Casey and I want another baby, desperately. The excitement, joy, and have-we-lost-our-minds feelings had just started to take root when we lost our baby. Our baby. A baby I will never hold in my arms, never soothe its tears, never see their smile or hear their laugh is gone. And it hurts.

We don't know why. We'll never know why. and I'm trying to embrace that as a small mercy. I don't have to fear pregnancy again. I'm not knowingly putting myself and a baby at risk in the future. Small mercies for a peace of mind, later. Later. Right now? My mind is chaos. And my heart. Why?

I hate the question "why?"

Even without an answer, we can't live in fear of it. I'll never know why we will never celebrate the birth and life of this baby, but this baby is very, very much my child. I have two children- Malachi and Squish. Casey and I don't want to hide what we are going through, nor do we want to hide a future pregnancy in fear it will happen again. We love our children and we will always claim each and every one of them. One day, we will hold this child in our arms and cry tears of joy- that is the comforting peace of God right there. One day, I will see all my children together in one place. One day.

This pain is just indescribable.

I feel as if the emotions of it all come in waves. I was out of town for work when I miscarried. Nobody I had traveled with even knew I was pregnant yet. I just wanted Casey. I wanted Malachi. I didn't want to be alone. I'm so thankful for a husband that dropped literally everything to come get me. I can't imagine what he was feeling on that long drive alone. But he came and we started the long, silent drive home together knowing in our hearts the truth, but hoping for a miracle. Lab results a couple days later confirmed my biggest fear.

This past week we were suppose to see our baby, hear its precious heart beating. Instead, I had a follow-up to make sure my body had recovered and was back to a normal non-pregnant state. Not what you want to be doing on the day you had joyfully written on the calendar "meet the baby!". That was a hard day. A really hard day.

This has been a rough weekend, as well. We have been packing and putting into storage Malachi's old baby things- bottles, bobby, newborn cloth diapers, clothes, etc. There isn't a new baby on the horizon to keep everything out for. Its been hard. Subtle reminders hurt the worst- little punches to knock you down just when you think you have both feet under you.

My baby is cuddled in that arms of Jesus right now. My baby is in the best place they can be, I should be envious, right? I want to hug Jesus! I wish that knowledge in my head would also calm my aching heart. Someday, but right now, it still hurts.

Small mercies. My body recovered without complication. We've been told as soon as we emotionally can handle another pregnancy, there is no medical reason to keep us from trying. Small mercies, thank you, Lord.

I miss my baby.  I mourn the life that won't be lived. Tears won't stop flowing when I think about her... or him. My angel baby- I love you so much. Someday I will kiss your cheeks and hold you close, someday.

My Little Builder

I may be completely bias but Mali has amazing hand and eye coordination. For a couple months now she has been stacking and building everything from her wooden blocks, cups, books, and now her actually building blocks. It just amazes me how quickly she learns and develops. I'm one proud mama!

Toddler Craft Time!

Well, I love summer break. I love spending my whole day and week with my precious daughter. These weeks make the tough nine months of the school year so completely worth it. I've had some things I want to do with Mali this summer including swim class, biking, messy play times, playground visits, etc.

With temps over 100 degrees already, our time is largely restricted to indoor activities, so I've been pinterest searching toddler crafts. Yesterday, we did a simple maraca craft. We used two of our left over Easter eggs, some dry beans, popsicle craft sticks and colorful duct tape. Mali helped put the beans in the eggs and watched as mommy and daddy taped the eggs closed and tape the popsicle sticks to the eggs.

And done! No mess, no money spent, and a fascinated and engaged toddler. :) She's been carrying and shaking her "music" around since and loves them! :)

Working That Hammer

Casey finally had a whole weekend off with Mali and I and where did we go? Yep, to the Home Depot! Man, Casey just can't escape that place, can he? The Home Depot does these great FREE kids workshops periodically and Casey has been so excited to do one with Mali. She's still a little young, but it was still a ton of fun! (we just opted to skip the painting part) Yesterday's project was building an organizer. Daddy did most of the work, but Mali definitely loved helping with the hammering. She caught on pretty quick what those hammers were for- banging things and making noise, of course! Casey jokes that her new little box has all the evidence of her help in its dents. :)  We had a lot of fun and Mali even got a pin for her apron showing she completed the project! There is another kids workshop the Saturday before Father's Day and I can tell Casey is already itching to take her to it, too! Building memories! (pun absolutely intended)

Party and Holiday Weekend

Well, Malachi's birthday has come and gone and so has her party. Here are some pictures from her party and the rest of the holiday weekend! Enjoy!

Totally made these myself (with help from Pinterest and my mom!)

Mali and her best friend! They are 3 weeks apart in age!

 

My fearless climber!

Mali's first Nike shoes!

She did this all by herself!

OneYear Stats

Doesn't she look so old in this picture? I can almost picture how she'll look when she's bigger!

Openning her very first birthday gifts! Thanks Uncle Matt and Aunt Kara!!

Testing out our new swimsuit!! :)

Height: 29.5 inches. She grew 9.25 inches in one year!
Weight: 22lbs. She gained almost 14 lbs in her first year!!
-FIVE teeth right now, and one on its way!
-Newest talent is sticking out her tongue and saying "lalalalala" (she also sings along to David Crowder --Band's 'Undignified')
-She has hit a 14-16 month milestone- the bend and stoop!
-She cuddles her blanket when she ready for bed.
-She likes to "brush" her own teeth and hair... sometimes with the wrong brush!
-She said "thank you"! Well, more like "dun doo" but hey, I'm counting it!
-Goldfish are her favorite.
-She's starting to get picky about her veggies. :(
-She seems to like her goat's milk- we're on our way out with the formula! Yay!
-She loves chairs and climbing into them.
-She also loves the rocking horse at the church nursery, she already figured out how to climb in and out of it!!
-Windows are pretty fantastic in her book.

It's Been a Year, Already.

Happy birthday to my sweet, precious, smart, happy, life filling baby girl. :)

I can't believe we're looking at this only one year ago when our world completely changed...

 And now we're tucking in this little girl every night....

Malachi, I can't even begin to form the words to describe how incredibly proud of you I am. Or to describe how perfect your personality is. Or how desperately I  pray God protects you and guides you...

 I can only wonder as to how my heart has been able to contain itself inside my chest...

I love you baby girl, always and forever.
-Mommy

11 Months Old... Denial

I ask now that you please excuse the emotional mess I will be for the next two months. Also, if you send my daughter a birthday card, please include some tissues for her overly (normally?) emotional mother!!

11 month old stats:

Walks halfway across her bedroom!!!!

Makes popping sounds with her mouth.

She just got her 3rd AND 4th tooth!

She can drink her milk from a sippy cup like a champ now. 

She is in love with mommy's kindle fire.

Learning signs for "cookie" and "dance".

She claps when crowds clap- in person, on tv, on a cd, etc.

Her hair is long enough, and thick enough, for pigtails!

Hates hairbows, headbands, hats.... pretty much anything on her head.

Starting to high-five. :)

She's starting to "share" (aka. hands you a toy, laughs at you, and grabs it back)

Playing peek-a-boo during photos!