Just Need to Write it Out...

Periodically I feel the need to write out some emotions I can't seem to come to terms with. Usually, this takes place in a paper and pen form because they are private matters of my heart I wish to remain private. However, this time, although this particular subject hits my heart deeper and harder than anything else in my life, I do not wish to hide it away.

We had a miscarriage.

Simply typing that one sentence brings a whole new wave of tears running down my face. I need to get this out.

Casey and I want another baby, desperately. The excitement, joy, and have-we-lost-our-minds feelings had just started to take root when we lost our baby. Our baby. A baby I will never hold in my arms, never soothe its tears, never see their smile or hear their laugh is gone. And it hurts.

We don't know why. We'll never know why. and I'm trying to embrace that as a small mercy. I don't have to fear pregnancy again. I'm not knowingly putting myself and a baby at risk in the future. Small mercies for a peace of mind, later. Later. Right now? My mind is chaos. And my heart. Why?

I hate the question "why?"

Even without an answer, we can't live in fear of it. I'll never know why we will never celebrate the birth and life of this baby, but this baby is very, very much my child. I have two children- Malachi and Squish. Casey and I don't want to hide what we are going through, nor do we want to hide a future pregnancy in fear it will happen again. We love our children and we will always claim each and every one of them. One day, we will hold this child in our arms and cry tears of joy- that is the comforting peace of God right there. One day, I will see all my children together in one place. One day.

This pain is just indescribable.

I feel as if the emotions of it all come in waves. I was out of town for work when I miscarried. Nobody I had traveled with even knew I was pregnant yet. I just wanted Casey. I wanted Malachi. I didn't want to be alone. I'm so thankful for a husband that dropped literally everything to come get me. I can't imagine what he was feeling on that long drive alone. But he came and we started the long, silent drive home together knowing in our hearts the truth, but hoping for a miracle. Lab results a couple days later confirmed my biggest fear.

This past week we were suppose to see our baby, hear its precious heart beating. Instead, I had a follow-up to make sure my body had recovered and was back to a normal non-pregnant state. Not what you want to be doing on the day you had joyfully written on the calendar "meet the baby!". That was a hard day. A really hard day.

This has been a rough weekend, as well. We have been packing and putting into storage Malachi's old baby things- bottles, bobby, newborn cloth diapers, clothes, etc. There isn't a new baby on the horizon to keep everything out for. Its been hard. Subtle reminders hurt the worst- little punches to knock you down just when you think you have both feet under you.

My baby is cuddled in that arms of Jesus right now. My baby is in the best place they can be, I should be envious, right? I want to hug Jesus! I wish that knowledge in my head would also calm my aching heart. Someday, but right now, it still hurts.

Small mercies. My body recovered without complication. We've been told as soon as we emotionally can handle another pregnancy, there is no medical reason to keep us from trying. Small mercies, thank you, Lord.

I miss my baby.  I mourn the life that won't be lived. Tears won't stop flowing when I think about her... or him. My angel baby- I love you so much. Someday I will kiss your cheeks and hold you close, someday.