Well, it is that time of year. This is the season full of opposition for me. As I enjoy the warming sun, the budding of colorful flowers, and the celebration of my Savior's life, I am also reminded each day of my earthly father's death. It was at this time last year his health made a turn for the worse... and it has been over a year since I saw him walk, smile, and laugh outside of a hospital- my how the time flies. I try to go through each day without thinking of my family's loss, my mother's loss, and where we all are today, but as May approaches the memories come flooding back...
Hospitals, beeping, coughing, phones call, tears, sleepless nights, suitcases, forms, doctors, tests, tests, tests, despair, hope, anxiety... the all encompassing feeling of hopelessness and loss. Loss of time. Loss of love. Loss of life.
In the time immediately after my dad's passing a grief counselor observed I was struggling with PTSD... I can't say if it ever really went away, and the marking of an unwanted anniversary has made it worse. I've been sick lately, unable to sleep, focus, be happy... When will the healing come? Is my life always to be wrecked with memories I don't want?
Sometimes I wish I had just one more chance to talk to him. I wish I could've had my good-bye. It all happened so quickly, and I miss my dad's hugs.
I miss his involvement in my life. I miss his laugh. I miss the way he would tap his foot to songs with a lot of bass guitar and drums. I miss his surprises. I miss the smell of sawdust and paint. I miss Fox News and Bill O'Reilly... I miss my dad.
I pray that someday the tears will stop coming.
I love you, Dad.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
MmmMmm... Brownies
This is wonderful. I came home from work today and Casey had washed all the dishes! He's so wonderful about taking care of that household chore. Now we've eaten dinner (ham steak with scalloped potatoes and biscuits) and I'm relaxing in our overstuffed chair and Casey is in the kitchen mixing brownie batter.
:)
He's so wonderful... or has a killer sweet tooth... one or the other.
:)
He's so wonderful... or has a killer sweet tooth... one or the other.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
The Rhythm of Life
Today I ran into a friend of mine that use to live with Casey and he made a crack about how he probably doesn't do the dishes, and actually, he does.
It is amazing just how natural our lives have fallen together in our marriage. From the small things (I hate washing dishes. Dried stinky food grosses me out. However, Casey finds doing dishes while listening to an online sermon relaxing) all the way to the big things (I'm called to public school teaching and summer missions and Casey is called to the university classroom and foreign missions) just all fall into place.
My favorite thing is our time spent in the car. We have some of the best conversations while driving or traveling- I believe we just learned how to capitalize on those few precious final minutes after date. Also, I can always have confidence that Casey is looking out for our finances and the working order of our cars (I have to drive the Jetta to school Friday because my car is due for an oil change. Eek! It's sink or float in the standard!) His strengths and natural concerns are the things I tend to bypass. Isn't it funny how God works?
I tease Casey sometimes (but I really am totally serious) that on the days I'm down, he's up and full of patience. And on the days he's down, I'm ready to take on the world! We balance out with encouragement and optimism. It would be a bad day if we both were down!
Cooking together is quality time. I have never known a man so willing to participate in the kitchen- I love it! He is such a servant minded man, and I admire him for that.
After just merely two-months I am filled with awe of what God can do in the lives of two people... I'm greatly excited to see what's to come in the years and years and years ahead!
It is amazing just how natural our lives have fallen together in our marriage. From the small things (I hate washing dishes. Dried stinky food grosses me out. However, Casey finds doing dishes while listening to an online sermon relaxing) all the way to the big things (I'm called to public school teaching and summer missions and Casey is called to the university classroom and foreign missions) just all fall into place.
My favorite thing is our time spent in the car. We have some of the best conversations while driving or traveling- I believe we just learned how to capitalize on those few precious final minutes after date. Also, I can always have confidence that Casey is looking out for our finances and the working order of our cars (I have to drive the Jetta to school Friday because my car is due for an oil change. Eek! It's sink or float in the standard!) His strengths and natural concerns are the things I tend to bypass. Isn't it funny how God works?
I tease Casey sometimes (but I really am totally serious) that on the days I'm down, he's up and full of patience. And on the days he's down, I'm ready to take on the world! We balance out with encouragement and optimism. It would be a bad day if we both were down!
Cooking together is quality time. I have never known a man so willing to participate in the kitchen- I love it! He is such a servant minded man, and I admire him for that.
After just merely two-months I am filled with awe of what God can do in the lives of two people... I'm greatly excited to see what's to come in the years and years and years ahead!
Girlfriends
Life should never be without special women. The last couple of days have been such a blessing in the time I have gotten to spend with a few of my gal pals. I think sometimes I get so caught up in the rush of school and marriage that I forget the love, support, and fun I have in my friends.
Jada stayed the night with me last night because both of our husbands were working the overnight shift at Home Depot. Time with her is always rewarding and leaves me wondering why we don't just run away together more often. She not only in so much fun to be around, but her spiritual maturity is wonderful to soak in. I'm so blessed to get the chance to bounce around thoughts and ideals with her and then just take it to the big book itself and read the scriptures and discuss what we see in it. I love it. I love her.
And then tonight. I went to my Life Group Bible study tonight and got to spend just a couple amazing hours relaxing and talking about life with a couple of girls- it was so refreshing! I'm so thankful that God has placed these wonderful women in my life. Their friendship is invaluable.
Jada stayed the night with me last night because both of our husbands were working the overnight shift at Home Depot. Time with her is always rewarding and leaves me wondering why we don't just run away together more often. She not only in so much fun to be around, but her spiritual maturity is wonderful to soak in. I'm so blessed to get the chance to bounce around thoughts and ideals with her and then just take it to the big book itself and read the scriptures and discuss what we see in it. I love it. I love her.
And then tonight. I went to my Life Group Bible study tonight and got to spend just a couple amazing hours relaxing and talking about life with a couple of girls- it was so refreshing! I'm so thankful that God has placed these wonderful women in my life. Their friendship is invaluable.
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